9. Cockles and Muscles!

This parody was inspired by my Probus Choir's rendition of the original Irish song yesterday.In the middle 'Alive alive o etc' the word 'mussles' suddenly altered it's spelling in front of my very eyes. From then on I couldn't concentrate!

COCKLES AND MUSCLES

To the tune of 'Cockles and Mussels.'

Stan went to the gym
To get himself slim
For he'd met a beautiful lady on-line.
A glorious sweetie
Who lived in Tahiti,
Her name it was Nina and she looked divine.
'My cockles and muscles
And my red corpuscles
Must be up to scratch when I ply her with wine!'

A picture she'd posted
And how he had boasted
Of all her alluring and uncommon charms.
He felt quite a hunger
For someone much younger,
But the sight in his mirror had raised some alarms.
'My cockles and muscles
And my red corpuscles
Must be at their best when she's here in my arms!'

Stan puffed and girated
And felt quite elated.
For certain his manhood was burgeoning well.
Each day he weight-lifted
Till all his fat shifted!
He'd soon have his lady-love under his spell!
'My cockles and muscles
And my red corpuscles,
They can't let me down when I'm ringing her bell!'

Poor Stan overdid-it,
But who could forbid it
When he was so set on a life of romance?
Right from the beginning
His hair started thinning,
And he never rated a feminine glance.
'My cockles and muscles
And my red corpuscles
Are things I'm not leaving entirely to chance!'

The more he exerted,
The more strength deserted,
His pecs started drooping as gravity won.
His face grew more ashen
Pursuing his passion,
He made twenty push-ups but not twenty-one!
'My cockles and muscles
And my red corpuscles
Are quite overworked and not having much fun.'

(In a minor key) Came the day she was landing
And poor Stan was standing
A poor broken creature exhausted and thin.
He felt quite defeated
By life he'd been cheated,
For she was worth winning and he'd never win.
'My cockles and muscles
And my red corpuscles
Are letting me down now the fun should begin!'

When Nina's plane landed
He knew he'd been handed
A problem so vast things could never come right.
Those hours at the gym
Had made him look grim!
He knew that his chances of romance were slight.
His cockles and muscles
And his red corpuscles
Just gave up the ghost and abandoned the fight.

So dishy was Nina,
That now he had seen her,
He knew he could never step up to the mark.
Her figure, alluring,
When seen, was ensuring
That his contribution would be rather stark!
His cockles, his muscles
And all his corpuscles
(slow) Along with poor Stan just crept off in the dark.